


Loves Me Like I'm Brand New

by snnycarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, Rafael has some baggage...., but Sonny does his best to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 09:34:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19148350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: Sonny tries to help Rafael forget about his nightmare by building a pillow fort.





	Loves Me Like I'm Brand New

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Call It What You Want by Taylor Swift (are we surprised? no) because Ms Swift exclusively writes barisi songs… I said what I said.

Rafael’s palm pressed into the cold glass encasing the infant, too delicate to be touched. His tiny chest pumped up and down and up and down, air forced in and pushed out by machinery that weighed more than the child himself. Music rung through the room but fell on deaf ears. Various floral arrangements scattered the otherwise sterile room, unappreciated. The baby was as good as dead, Rafael felt he was too. 

 

Rafael and Drew- the only ones left in this bleak hospital room for a person that would never even know he was there. Rafael felt his palm was glued to the glass, he wanted to move it but he couldn’t, wanted to look away from the child, more machine than boy, but he couldn’t. Just the two of them- neither would ever leave that room intact. He had to do it, he had to end the suffering for one of them and he was long past the point of self-redemption. 

 

Fingers twitching, Rafael’s hands travelled towards Drew’s life support. It was like he was a puppet, and his master was getting bored. He wanted to scream, to pull his wandering hands away from the machines and run for his life. He couldn’t. He wanted to scream for help, summon the hospital staff to keep himself away from the child. He couldn’t. He wished for a bolt of lightning to come through the hospital walls and strike them both down, so at least he wouldn’t be the one to end the infant’s life. 

 

Tears streamed down his face as he attacked the life support- plugs pulled, switches turned, beeping, flashing, screeching from the hallway moving ever closer. He couldn’t stop. Caught in the purgatory between committing the crime and being caught, he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think- couldn’t be. Part of him had gone with Drew, that he was sure of. 

 

An eternity passed and he was still undisturbed, frozen next to the medical equipment he had just vandalised. He turned his head, expecting a circus of doctors and nurses, rushing in to save the baby. Instead, Olivia stood in the doorway, her features twisted into an ugly snarl.

 

“How could you? How could you do something like this?” So much disgust seeped into her tone, Rafael wanted to disappear. 

 

“Do you realise what you’ve done? Look at you, you’re a monster.” She spat, moving closer and closer until their noses nearly touched. He willed himself to shut his eyes, to shield himself from the fury and disappointment that stood in front of him, but still he was frozen. 

 

“It should have been you.” 

 

The tears came harder and faster now, so much so that his head pounded and his body shook. His body shook so hard it was like being thrown around a washing machine, limp and fragile-

 

“Rafael, you’re okay now. Breathe, doll. You’re safe.”

 

Suddenly, he could move. He was warm beneath the covers of his own bed, while his boyfriend gently shook his shoulders, pulling him back to reality. He was not in that god awful room. He was at home. He was at home, and in bed, and being held by his partner while he cried loudly. the slight tremble of his hands was replaced with gut-wrenching sobs that wracked throughout his whole body; Sonny just held him tighter.

 

“Rafi, baby, are you with me?” Sonny’s breathe was warm against his ear, his sleep thickened voice providing a sense of comfort and safety- refuge from his own thoughts. Rafael nodded. 

 

“You were crying in your sleep again, doll. I know I’m not meant to wake you up but-” Sonny trailed off, not wanting to admit how upsetting it was for him, for Rafael’s sake. 

 

What he hadn’t said, was Rafael had been crying in his sleep  _ again _ , for the fifth time that week. The fifth night that week that Sonny had been woken up but his partner’s thrashing, whimpering and occasional screaming. The fifth time that week he had barely slept because of Rafael, and then had to go and work a twelve hour shift.

 

Sonny was exhausted- he would never tell Rafael, but he knew. He could tell. 

 

He deserved the entire world but all Rafael could give him was endless sleepless nights, where he was forced to stay up and care for the older man like some kind of infant. All Rafael gave him was inconvenience and he hated himself for it. He should have done the right thing and broken up with Sonny during the trial but Rafael just wasn’t strong enough. Sonny was all he had left and there was no world in which he could live without him. 

 

Sonny was all he had left but Sonny had so much more. Friends, family, a job he loved- all on hold while he spends every moment of his free time making sure Rafael was looking after himself (and for a while, making sure Rafael didn’t hurt himself). That was probably why he stayed with him- Sonny always had gone above and beyond to make others happy before himself, that must have been what he was doing now. He knew Rafael had no one else, so he stayed. He knew Rafael needed to be taken care of right now, so he stayed. He didn’t love him, not anymore, not after the awful thing Rafael had done- and how could anyone love him after that? But Sonny was putting aside his own happiness-

 

“Raf, look at me.” Rafael hadn’t even noticed how his breathing had quickened, and chest had tightened. Sonny pulled back from their embrace and lightly tugged at his boyfriend’s chin, forcing Rafael to look into his eyes. 

 

“Please, baby, just look at me okay? I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” 

 

Rafael looked, really looked, and all the anxiety he was harbouring disappeared. So much love and empathy swirled around his powder blue eyes, Rafael felt crazy for ever doubting him. Sonny was the epitome of sunshine, lighting up Rafael’s darkest nights; there was not a shadow of a doubt as to how much he really cared about his partner. 

  
“I’m sorry.” Rafael whispered, barely audible. He wasn’t sure what he was apologising for- waking Sonny up, panicking, having the dream in the first place, or just being the person Sonny chose to be sleeping next to- but he felt it was important he say so. 

“You have nothing to apologise for, doll. You wanna tell me about the dream?” Rafael repositioned them so he was lying on Sonny’s chest. Sonny curled one arm around his waist and the other rose to temple, and began carding his fingers through Rafael’s rapidly greying hair. 

 

Rafael described the vivid and disturbing dream, keeping his ear pressed to Sonny’s chest, using the younger man’s steady heartbeat as an anchor for when his anxiety rose. 

 

“Raf, I know you don’t wanna hear this,” Sonny began, when Rafael had finished. “But you should go see the Lieu sometime. She misses you a lot and I think it would be good for you to get out of the house for a little while.”

 

Rafael hummed noncommittally, but Sonny knew not to push too hard. He would talk to Olivia when he was ready, but clearly that was not going to be anytime soon. 

 

“Okay. You don’t wanna go back to sleep right?” Rafael tilted his head to get a look at Sonny’s face, throwing the younger man a confused look. “We should make a pillow fort.”

 

Sonny, now fully awake was grinning like a maniac. Rafael raised an eyebrow.

 

“A pillow fort?”

 

“Yeah, a pillow fort! C’mon, it’ll be fun,” Rafael rolled his eyes. Sonny was over the moon with excitement- Rafael had scarcely been his usual self lately, and the return of his snark must have been a sign that Sonny was doing something right. “Plus, it’ll be perfect to cuddle in, right?” He waggled his brows and nudged at his boyfriend’s side until Rafael began to giggle. 

 

“Fine, but you’re doing all the work.” 

 

Sonny leaned over, cupped Rafael’s cheek and kissed him sweetly before pulling himself out of bed. Rafael smiled into the kiss, he hadn’t felt this genuinely happy in months. No matter what was happening in his life or how awful he felt, Sonny could always make him forget about it with his dorkiness. Rafael listened to his boyfriend rummage around the house looking for for pillows and blankets while reveling in the knowledge that that man loved him- how did he get so lucky?

 

Rafael was pulled out of his daydream by the soft thwack of a pillow hitting the back of his head. 

 

“Gotta think fast babe,” Sonny smirked, dropping down on the bed next to his partner. Wrestling the pillow out of Sonny’s grip, Rafael threw it at Sonny’s face, an identical smirk spreading across his own. 

 

“That was unfair.” Kissing the pout off Sonny’s face, Rafael reached behind him and picked up another pillow, bringing it down atop Sonny’s head. 

 

Sonny’s already disheveled hair fell across his eyes and Rafael marveled in how beautiful he looked, even after just waking. A soft smile spread across Rafael’s lips as he brushed the younger man’s hair away, to get the best possible view of those eyes he could dive into for hours on end. 

 

Pressing a quick peck to Sonny’s lips, Rafael stood and placed his hands on his hips. 

 

“Are we making this stupid fort or what?”

 

They began constructing the pillow fort. Although it was Sonny’s idea and plan, Rafael, of course, took great joy in bossing him around, criticizing every out of place cushion and muttering to himself about ‘having to do everything around here’. Sonny didn’t mind- he was used to it anyway, and the need to be in control was as much a part of Rafael as his nose or eyes or chin. Sonny would do anything for Rafael anyway, so it was just as well the older man always made it clear what he wanted from him. 

 

“Sonny! Is that my good linen?” Rafael looked horrified as he snatched the sheet from his boyfriends hands. “You can’t use that for the stupid fort! Seriously!” 

 

“We have ‘good linen’?” The colour practically drained from Rafael’s face at the question, being enough of an answer for Sonny, who began to chuckle. “My bad, babe. I didn’t realise we still lived in 1950.”

 

Still clearly a little bit in shock, Rafael muttered, “1950,” under his breath. “I know you’re young but my god, you didn’t learn anything in home ec?”

 

“Why would I need to when I have the perfect house-boyfriend right here?” Sonny realised the impact his innocent joke would have a second too late, and his eyes widened the moment he finished speaking. Rafael went quiet, and looked down at his hands- silence was rarely a comfort when it came to Rafael.

 

“Hey, no, Rafi I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” Sonny sat down on the bed and pulled his partner into his lap, with some resistance from Rafael. He knew Sonny hadn’t meant to comment on his current employment status, it was just a stupid joke. But the reality of the situation really hit him. Would he spend the rest of his life at home, leaving Sonny to be the breadwinner? Would he end up relying on Sonny not just emotionally but financially as well? And how would Sonny feel about this? Rafael couldn’t imagine it would make him happy, maybe it would even encourage him to leave Rafael sooner, before he could become dependant on the younger man and stuck with him forever-

 

“Raf, look at me.” He did. “I love you, you know that?” He did. “And I believe in you- hell, you’re probably the most capable person I’ve ever met- and I know you’re gonna be able to get a new job when you’re ready. And there’s no rush for you to  _ be  _ ready anyway, we’re fine right now, right?” Although Rafael hated to admit it, Sonny was right, as per usual. 

 

“I love you too, I’m sorry for being such an asshole all the time,” Rafael spoke into the crook of Sonny’s neck, inhaling the scent of sleep that clouded his boyfriend. 

 

Sonny smiled, and nudged Rafael away so he could stand up, not without placing a light kiss into Rafael’s hair before doing so. 

 

“I’ll put your precious linen away if you promise not to be mad at me, deal?” 

 

Rafael grinned. “We have a deal, darling.” 

 

Sonny carefully folded the immaculate taupe sheets while Rafael watched, and made his way towards the linen cupboard in the hallway. From the hall he called out, “How expensive were they?” Rafael could just  _ hear  _ the shit-eating grin he knew had appeared on Sonny’s face for his cheeky remark.

 

“Very. That’s why  _ you’re  _ not allowed to touch them.”

 

Sonny returned to the bedroom, a fake pout adding to his already youthful appearance as he straddled his boyfriends hips, his libido clearly catching up to him. 

 

“Sorry, princess, it’s a grown-up thing- you’ll get it one day.” Rafael growled into Sonny’s ear, and began kissing down his neck. Sonny squirmed in his lap, whimpering as Rafael’s teeth scraped across his artery. Throwing his head back to give Rafael better access, Sonny was gorgeous- it almost made Rafael feel bad for what he was about to do, almost. Beginning to grind his hips down against Rafael’s, Sonny grew more and more flustered; cheeks flushed and eyes dilated as Rafael nibbled at his jaw. All of a sudden, Rafael stopped, and lifted Sonny out of his lap.

 

“Okay, fort time!” Sonny groaned and rolled his eyes so hard it gave Rafael a run for his money. 

 

“Can the fort wait, doll?” The words came out gruff and an octave lower than he would normally talk. If it weren’t for his own ego, Rafael would have jumped him then and there.

 

“Aw baby, you were so eager before,” Rafael smirked at his partner, voice dripping with sarcasm. “What happened to it being ‘perfect to cuddle in’?” 

 

Sonny began to laugh, and ran a hand threw his bed-hair. “You’re unbelievable,” He stood, and moved back towards the pile of bedding on the floor. “Hurry up and help me finish this so I can go back to touching you.” 

 

For the next five minutes, final touches were made to their somewhat over-the-top pillow fort. Sonny almost wanted to take a photo to send to his sisters, showing them how his skills had improved since he was a child. He bowed chivalrously while pulling a sheet back for Rafael to enter, who kissed his knuckles before clambering inside. 

 

The inside of the fort was warm and surprisingly spacious- Sonny really did have experience making these well. Sonny joined Rafael inside a few minutes later and fiddled with the small lantern he had brought with him, so their pair could see each other. Curling up on his side, Sonny opened his arms for Rafael to lay down in. 

 

“You were right about this being perfect.” Rafael spoke into Sonny’s chest, where his head lay comfortably. Strong arms held him tightly and the steady rise and fall of his boyfriend’s chest lulled Rafael into a sense of tranquility he hadn’t felt since the incident. That was what Sonny did to him; no matter what he was always there to make Rafael feel safe and loved, he treated him like the most special person in the world. 

 

Rafael’s mind once again went back to that night. He remembered leaving the hospital in a patrol car, the metal cuffs cut into his wrists but he couldn’t feel it. He knew the arresting officers, he was sure of it, and it was likely they weren’t too fond of him. Being escorted into the local precinct in handcuffs with tears rolling down his cheeks while his whole body shook was one of the most humiliating things that had ever happened to him, every eye in the building glued to him, disgust taking over their expression when the whispers of his crime hit their ears. He got one phone call, and of course called Sonny. He was terrified of how Sonny would react- they had talked about the Householder case at home, of course, but for Rafael to be taking the law into his own hands? He half expected Sonny to just hang up. But he didn’t.

 

Having some leeway due to being a cop himself, Sonny was allowed to sit across from the cell Rafael was being held in. Rafael couldn’t look him in the eye, couldn’t take the disappointment he just  _ knew  _ would be there. But Sonny just held out his hand, and let the older man take it and grip it like his life depended on it. 

 

Throughout the arrest, the arraignment, the trial, Sonny held Rafael’s hand. No matter what and regardless of his own feelings, Sonny was strong for Rafael when no one else was. Sonny was strong for Rafael when he couldn’t be strong for himself, when he woke up in the night screaming and when the detective caught him staring at the shaving razors for a little too long. 

 

The rest of the world would not stop talking about him, about his corrupt morals or how there was a killer hiding in the DA's office his whole career. Everyone gave him the side eye, no one trusted that they knew the  _ real  _ him- except for Sonny. Not once did he look at him any differently, not once did he question how well he really knew Rafael. He still treated him with as much, but probably more love than he had before everything. Now, he loved Rafael like he was a brand new person- no baggage or trauma attached. Rafael supposed he had become a new person after everything he had been through, everything  _ they  _ had been through.

 

“Watcha thinkin’ about?” Sonny pulled him back to reality, hint of concern clouding his voice.

 

“Nothing. Just how grateful I am to have you in my life.” Rafael mumbled in response, pressing a lazy, wet kiss to the part of Sonny’s chest that was exposed through his v-neck collar. 

 

“As you should be,” Rafael pinched his hip, eliciting a giggle from Sonny. “I’m lucky to have you, doll, please don’t forget that.” 

 

A comfortable silence fell over them then, both perfectly content to just be in each others arms. Sonny hypnotically traced patterns across Rafael’s back with his fingertips and Rafael felt his eyelids getting heavy. He really was so incredibly grateful to have Sonny in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> my twitter is @snnycarisi !
> 
> comments make me happy....... :)


End file.
